It seems like everyone in my house is gloomy today.
It rained earlier. Maybe it was like foreshadowing the emotions for the day. I sure hope not.
I just think life is getting the best of us. However, not in the good way as it might sound.
There are so many things to look forward to. It’s the weekend. Free time for most of us. Hopefully, everyone just wanks it and feels better so that we can just go on with our weekend in total pleasantry. I have no idea if that is a word, but if it isn’t, let’s just say it is, shall we?
Genetics are funny. Most like to say that behaviors are learned and not inheritied through blood, but I honestly don’t believe that. Hell. Even when people are pissed off around you enough you start to get pissed off as well.
Shit. I mean back to what I was saying. Genetics are funny. In my family. There are a lot of sourpusses. It’s fuckin ridiculous. On my dad’s side there are a lot of people who are just pessimistic and selfish. They’re full of pride and arrogance. Then there’s my mom’s side. There a little bit more pleasant. They’re mostly goofy people, but they can be know-it-all’s and pessimistic as well.
My brother’s and sister and I sort of inherited some of these things. There are a lot of people who will say that things like this we have a choice to learn different behaviors so that we do not act like our parents or our least favorite relatives. Again, I think differently. I’ve tried sooooo hard not to be like my parent’s—even just my dad’s side alone because you can see they might not be the most pleasant people to be around. I just can’t stray away from these attitudes. I will be okay to admit that I can be a terrible bitch and have a bad attitude and I’m moody sometimes. I’ve learned to just take deep breaths and try to shake it off. I hate when I can’t seem to let it go though. The pessimism takes its place in my soul and makes me resistant to any good naturedness and attempts to cheer me up. Those around me fail at trying to make me feel better and it sucks because I know they’re trying to help and I just can’t seem to break my poker face.
I have a choice to be this way. I try to change, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to change who I am. I am who I am and will stay true to myself as long as I am able to.
Sadly, this is not true. I do want to change. I want to be a better person. But the feelings that I experience can’t change. All I can do is try to bear with these emotions and try to make the best with what cards are dealt to me.
Some people around me try to tell me that my weakness is that I don’t allow anyone to see what I am truly feeling. …..This is true. I can’t tolerate the thought that someone will know how I truly feel. Crying is something I don’t do often because I hate when people see me and ask “What’s wrong?” A question I will never grow to appreciate or answer in a calm manner and tone. Every time this question is brought to me, I can’t help but respond with attitude and annoyance. I like to deal with things mostly by myself. It’s just the way I deal with things. Advice that is given to me is tossed to the side because I am just so damn stubborn that I want to learn to do things on my own because I have never been given the freedom to do as I please so I just want to do ONE thing on my own.
I’m going off on tangents now. I sound dumb. I’m going to stop now.
