Important dates come and my head just jumbles up in confusion. Should I say it? Would it matter? Would it mess things up is the biggest question. And the answer is a huge freakin yes. But then the fact that I didn’t say it will haunt me for the next week or so.
Too bad a friendship couldn’t have lasted so I wouldn’t have this sort of thing hanging in my mind guiltily as if I’ve got some sort of regret of hiding something.
Partner? You’re not married. Nor close to it. At least that’s what I think. Or maybe it’s because deep down I’m truly envious of how far you’ve gotten and seemed to refuse to do the same when it was our turn. What am I saying? We really never had a turn because there were too many fuck ups to begin with. Mistake after mistake followed by more mistakes. All these mistakes and regret followed by anger, sadness and a longing that I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get over. You weren’t even my first love but your impact on my heart shows me otherwise. That love was more like a powerful intoxicating mess of a drug that has been discontinued and can never be matched to give me that same high I felt. Taking me on some kind of cloud far away that no one could ever land on and feel what I felt every time you held me in your arms and called me by my name. Every touch and every word shared both a cut and an embrace all at once. You’re the only one that could make me so poetic. Make me feel like I could really lift my arms up and reach until I felt my shoulders give out from reaching for the stars that I could never grab for you because there truly are things that aren’t tangible but my efforts were there to just make you the happiest being on the planet. You were so tattered and torn when I scooped you up. And I left you the same way. I will never forget the final harm I made toward your beautiful heart. However, I too had a warm and caring heart for you. Never gave anyone the time of day that made it seem like every touch was a lie wrapped in more lies. Even if they were. I thought none of that mattered as long as i had someone to hold and to hold me back.
You also are the only one who makes me sound crazy. I want to hate you and move on like I always should have. There have been so many reasons I should just drop everything I’ve ever thought of you and continue on with my life. Oh and I have continued on with my life. Just as you’ve done. But all things come to an end some time but it’s like a never ending story. A romance that is unwritten and unspoken of. Not even you know about it because you probably dropped everything you ever thought after I denied you again for the hundredth and possibly last time because truly we probably aren’t the best for each other.
I’m finally loved for who I am and can cry and be held without question. Security isn’t a problem anymore. His love is unchanging and unconditional.
You’re loved as well. I don’t know all of the details but she seems pretty smitten. Yes I am bitter towards the thought. Over 2 and a half years and still “going strong” which is a lot more than I can say was the deal with us. A deal broken countless times in between. Pushing and pulling feelings that were probably just a longing for something greater. Love.
What a toxic love it was.
What a toxic love it is. For me.
It won’t go away. A cliche scar that will always be there.
My guilty pleasure.
Every Remembrance Is Clandestine.
Happy birthday. Deep down all I want for you is happiness. Too bad I couldn’t be the one to share it with you. But today isn’t about me. It never was.
Be happy.
Smile.
