Oh and there will be some opinion pieces maybe.
the only hope for me
Sometimes I wake up in the morning feeling so chipper I could just brush off that chip on my shoulder that I wake up with sometimes.
There are other times where I wake up hating the world without even seeing what’s in store.
Today wasn’t a day like what I described in the second statement.
I did have a hard time getting out of bed. Not because I didn’t want to wake up in general, but because I was so damn comfortable. My head was lying in the perfect spot and my body was in such an angle that I could just fall back to sleep and not wake up until it was time to go to sleep again. However, I knew I had to wake up, so I did. My sister had to leave in a couple hours after I woke up, but it’s alright. A day by myself hasn’t come around lately, so it sounded pleasant.
Last night I worked out for a little while which would be why some parts of my body are sore. Being sore isn’t as irritating as it used to be. It reminds me that I’ve been doing whatever I can to stay active. The positive energy and mindset that I’ve been trying to express and feel has been going pretty well. Better than I could have expected. A couple of things that used to be a problem have subsided because I know things could be worse.
Another thing that has taken a part in occupying my mind is reading. During this winter break I’ve read 3 books. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but hey it’s more than I’ve been able to say lately. I finished reading The Hunger Games series. Such a good book. I hope it drowns out all the Twilight fanatics. I mean, I can admire a writer, because it takes a lot of time and effort to come out with a book that a large amount of people will love, but Stephanie Meyer just doesn’t impress me. The books did have me a little hooked when I was reading them, but once I got to the end of Breaking Dawn, I was pretty disappointed. I’m aware that everyone compares Harry Potter and Twilight, but I just wanted someone to die at the end of Breaking Dawn because then I could probably see the tragedy in the story. In all reality, to me, it seems like Twilight didn’t have as much depth to the series as Harry Potter, and now The Hunger Games series.
Anyway!! I think I’m done venting about books. I’ll write again later.
music jitters
Today was a good day. I’ve begun to listen to My Chemical Romance little by little again. So much emotion. Some people would argue this, but I really don’t care. Music is music and what it says touches me. I would think that’s what they want their music to do and they’ve at least touched my heart.
Another thing I’ve done today is watch the new Fun. video. Found out they were going on tour. I’ve seen them once before and was blown away by their performance and was eager to see if and when they would be coming back to Houston.
They are.
March 20th.
SO EXCITED. I mentioned it to my mother and she offered to buy me the tickets. Such a nice offer on her part—and greatly appreciated.
Now I can’t wait for March 20th to get here faster.
I’m sort of hyper from the excitement which reminds me how much I enjoy music and how it makes me feel.
*sigh* music.
HBD
Important dates come and my head just jumbles up in confusion. Should I say it? Would it matter? Would it mess things up is the biggest question. And the answer is a huge freakin yes. But then the fact that I didn’t say it will haunt me for the next week or so.
Too bad a friendship couldn’t have lasted so I wouldn’t have this sort of thing hanging in my mind guiltily as if I’ve got some sort of regret of hiding something.
Partner? You’re not married. Nor close to it. At least that’s what I think. Or maybe it’s because deep down I’m truly envious of how far you’ve gotten and seemed to refuse to do the same when it was our turn. What am I saying? We really never had a turn because there were too many fuck ups to begin with. Mistake after mistake followed by more mistakes. All these mistakes and regret followed by anger, sadness and a longing that I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get over. You weren’t even my first love but your impact on my heart shows me otherwise. That love was more like a powerful intoxicating mess of a drug that has been discontinued and can never be matched to give me that same high I felt. Taking me on some kind of cloud far away that no one could ever land on and feel what I felt every time you held me in your arms and called me by my name. Every touch and every word shared both a cut and an embrace all at once. You’re the only one that could make me so poetic. Make me feel like I could really lift my arms up and reach until I felt my shoulders give out from reaching for the stars that I could never grab for you because there truly are things that aren’t tangible but my efforts were there to just make you the happiest being on the planet. You were so tattered and torn when I scooped you up. And I left you the same way. I will never forget the final harm I made toward your beautiful heart. However, I too had a warm and caring heart for you. Never gave anyone the time of day that made it seem like every touch was a lie wrapped in more lies. Even if they were. I thought none of that mattered as long as i had someone to hold and to hold me back.
You also are the only one who makes me sound crazy. I want to hate you and move on like I always should have. There have been so many reasons I should just drop everything I’ve ever thought of you and continue on with my life. Oh and I have continued on with my life. Just as you’ve done. But all things come to an end some time but it’s like a never ending story. A romance that is unwritten and unspoken of. Not even you know about it because you probably dropped everything you ever thought after I denied you again for the hundredth and possibly last time because truly we probably aren’t the best for each other.
I’m finally loved for who I am and can cry and be held without question. Security isn’t a problem anymore. His love is unchanging and unconditional.
You’re loved as well. I don’t know all of the details but she seems pretty smitten. Yes I am bitter towards the thought. Over 2 and a half years and still “going strong” which is a lot more than I can say was the deal with us. A deal broken countless times in between. Pushing and pulling feelings that were probably just a longing for something greater. Love.
What a toxic love it was.
What a toxic love it is. For me.
It won’t go away. A cliche scar that will always be there.
My guilty pleasure.
Every Remembrance Is Clandestine.
Happy birthday. Deep down all I want for you is happiness. Too bad I couldn’t be the one to share it with you. But today isn’t about me. It never was.
Be happy.
Smile.
sleepy foot
I hate the feeling of my foot being asleep. I sit on it too long: it falls asleep. If I have my knee bent in a certain position, my whole leg falls asleep. I CAN NEVER WIN. The numb sensation, if it can even be called a sensation if I can’t feel it, is so strange. Sometimes I wish that feeling would spread to every part of my body. At times I just don’t want to feel a thing and let life just pass me by to where little things didn’t affect me.
Responsibility has been lurking around me lately. School work has begun to pile itself higher and higher. Surprisingly enough though, I have been trying my damned best to get shit done. I have got to say, for the first time in a while, I’m pretty proud of myself. I’m really working for good grades and my study habits are improving. It sucks these habits were non existant in high school, but hey at least I have them now. Now I can really work for the career I’m aiming for and feel completely accomplished by the end of my journey.
Stress has also been lurking around me lately. There are so many things to balance along with school. Times like these (being busy with school) make me realize how much work is put into a relationship. The trials of working hard in school and then trying to maintain the house with my sister gets tiring in itself, but then balancing visits with “someone special” is something else.
I find myself sleeping a little bit longer, but I think the exhaustion is catching up with me finally. A restless summer brings this upon me when I need all the energy I can get. As a matter of fact, sleep sounds so pleasing right about now that I’m about to wrap this baby up and hit the sheets.
There are so many things I have left to say though.
Frustration has been so close to getting the better of me lately. So many people around me just irritate me. Like my boyfriend and Tony Montana say, “stop worrying so much, you’re gonna get a heart attack” I should just listen to those wise words, but I somehow can’t get past the ignorance, immaturity and the results of those behaviors.
There comes a time in people’s lives where you either continue what you’ve been doing for the rest of your life or you just move on so that you have some sort of a chance of being happy for the remainder of your life instead of wasting it away on sorrow and empty enjoyment. The smile on your face isn’t fooling anyone. We all know that on the inside you’re dying little by little (not literally). We all wish we could help these people, but in reality, you can only help yourself and can’t depend on anyone else’s opinions or advice because all in all, you’re going to do whatever you please and what pleases you.
Happiness doesn’t come to you voluntarily, you have to voluntarily go to it.
hey. I think i’ll copyright that. DON’T STEAL IT BITCH!
Photo reblogged from The Clearly Dope with 36,264 notes
and I’m the black pillow -_-
I’m ‘The Green Nutella’ … I can smell the fear coming from the streets.
Source: memethings
late night jam
Listening to music, as I’ve said multiple times, is my ultimate therapy.
I’ve listened to music I haven’t heard in a good while.
Blink 182 was my first dose, then it was rise against, and sum 41. Following the first three was a drastic change in taste: N’SYNC. I know it sounds extremely lame, but that’s me: verstile and LAME. However, I’m extremely proud.
Right now JayMay is blasting through my little beats audio speakers. It’s very soothing for my sister and I. She’s pretty good.
NOWWWW. It’s Noah & The Whale. I dig ‘em. I hadn’t really listened to them. I just watched a video of them performing “Mary”. Pretty damn bad ass. I love it when you can tell that the band enjoys what they’re doing and how talented they are.
Ah music. You are way too good to me. I love you so much. :)
deep thought
I haven’t thought this much in forever.
I don’t ask for much. Sure things change and all. I just want to be happy. All things are possible right?
Things were better before anyway. I would like for things to go back to normal.
I just feel like everything was blown up way more than it really had to be.
By the way, I wasn’t the one who made things big.
Spent some time alone today. Jammed to some music and drew for a little bit. It was kind of a lonely day, but I think I’m okay with that. I used to be okay with it. So why not learn to be okay with it again.
The sound of the clock ticking is on point with my thoughts. 60 seconds a minute means 60 thoughts in the same time frame. Everything moving that fast lately because I’m trying my best to fix the way I feel about everything.
As I was listening to music today I realized there’s yet another song that I can relate to. Why is it that when I’m having a hard time I realize that there’s another song that describes how I’m feeling? Geez. Well, the song is Roll Away Your Stone by Mumford and Sons. I think by listening to it lately, it tells me to try to heal myself. I can never do it alone, I’ve realized. I tend to lean on someone and depend on their support to heal. I need to stop doing that. I just can’t deal with things alone. I mean I do it all the time, but usually someone is there listening to me vent.
Maybe now that I have this stupid thing it will make me slightly better and help me deal. Is it too much to ask for some support?
You know. Some people want everything. I want everything. Who doesn’t? However, how come some “nice” people are entitled to it? Yeah I can be a shitty person. I’ve done a lot of shitty things in my past, but I think I’m entitled to some compromise in order to make me happy. I don’t want the whole damn world, I just want a lease on it or something. I want to know what’s real. I don’t want excuses. I want logical reasons. No matter how many fucking fancy words you use, it doesn’t make you sound smarter or wiser because you honestly don’t know what thoughts I’m capable of in my mind. When I’m emotional creative juices start to flow and I can use these juices as venom to poison whoever watches me work at it. A venom so addicting that once I start I just can’t stop. Maybe I should thank the people who push me into these slumps. It seems that during these times, it’s the only time I’m useful.
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